i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
