went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
