Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
