Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
