i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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