Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
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He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
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That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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