Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
