Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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