Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
