God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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