ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
