No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
