I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
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My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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