And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
