I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
