i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
How naked do you want me to be?
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