Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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