Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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