It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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