I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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