i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
