so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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