I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
