You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
