update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
