I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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