I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
