Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
