he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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