can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
