im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
