Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
