my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
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I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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