Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
