Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
