I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
