I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
