her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
