Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
