I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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