my phone needs a breathalizer
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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