I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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