Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
