I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
