Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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