I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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