I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
