I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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