Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
