I wish I could teleport
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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