How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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