Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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