paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize