I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
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