People in love make me want to vomit
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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