I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I wish they made helmets for livers.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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