If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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