I bet he comes in French.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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